I got some new shoes yesterday… a pair of those somewhat fancy casual sneakers… very out of my Nike-Adidas-New Balance comfort zone… but I did it. I scored a pretty good deal and it helps when ‘the lady’ says “ooh, I like those”. So I did it.

I’m wearing them today… not really looking for compliments, but it’s nice that two people have already told me “ooh, I like those”. Add to that, I used a different brand of after shave this morning that did not dry my face out… I feel like a brand new person! Who knew it was so easy? I’m sure someone did… just didn’t share the info with me

-end-

One thing that continually annoys me… when a person figuratively dips their ladle in your Kool-Aid bowl… yet won’t lift as much as an eyebrow to help you if said bowl is about to fall off of the table.

That’s a very cumbersome analogy… but I’m trying to not be too specific, but at the same time paint a somewhat accurate picture that doesn’t get too technical as it pertains to my job function. I hope it worked.

If not, I’ll just say: I hate when people butt in for the sake of getting the glory, but won’t help you out when the going gets tough. That work?

I don’t know. I think sometimes I take things ‘too seriously’ for my own good. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone and deal with ‘life’ as they say. Who really cares what bothers one person or another, right?

If everyone were perfect, life would be boring… then I’d be complaining “why can’t I work with idiots every once in a while!!?!”

-end-

I actually have nothing against it… other than what you might call the “commercialization” of it all… however, just about everything is about money or a ‘deal’ these days… so it’s expected, even if it is wrong. But I’m not going to join that bandwagon.

The thing that bothers me is the programmed “Happy…” that goes along with last few months of the year.

Like the day-to-day:

“Hi, how are you?”

“Good, you?”

“I’m doing well”

And sometimes the originator slips up and says “I’m good, you?” But you’re the one who started the conversation… robot.

So goes the “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Thanksgiving” and “Happy New Year” and “Happy Halloween” that we feel pressured to return. I simply give a “same to you”. I can’t pinpoint why or where my coldness started… maybe strained and eventually failing relationships. Maybe a repressed bad memory. Whatever the case is, that’s how I roll. Hate it or love it. I mean no disrespect, just my personal “thing.” I really am a nice guy, you know?!

Staying with the holiday theme… let’s talk about the parties. Specifically the company-sponsored ones. If you work for some type of corporation, you’ve no doubt seen and/or read about “that guy” who gets too drunk, thus having people tell you “watch how much you drink at the party”…. right. But there’s another layer to this… I’ll call it the “check out”.  Where everyone brings their husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend and the rest of us “check them out” to see if they fit what we imagined our co-workers to be with. Sometimes it’s one of those things where the guy/gal you make eyes with on a regular basis brings their ‘other’ and you hope the ‘other’ is a doofus compared to you, yet they seem likable, so your jealousy doesn’t get the best of you… nevermind the fact you have an awesome gal and there’s no chance of the eye-flattery to go beyond anything but…

Life is funny.

-end-

I know why I’m not all “Happy Holidays” this year.

It’s been a rough couple months for me. Not just me, a lot of people I work with.

People I know. Don’t know. But people nonetheless.

I work at a place that seems to make the “best companies” list pretty consistently, yet I think some departments are definitely NOT a ‘best place’. Right. People are people.

You have good ones. Bad ones. Confused ones. So naturally not every manager of people can be a good one who knows how to deal with people. Add to that…. some of the people they hire can sometimes talk a great game and kiss a mean ass…. yet are incompetent when it comes to actually doing the job THEY WERE HIRED FOR. And in some extreme cases, they are so full of self that they don’t ask for help and make life for those around them hell… building resentment… creating a toxic environment… lowering morale… leading to angrily-typed anonymous blog posts.

So do me a favor.

If you are a manager, treat your people right. They are people. Not words from a book by some ‘expert’.

If they avoid you, eye contact… you’ve got a problem. If they suddenly stop talking when you come around… you’ve got a problem.

However, you may not be the problem… you may have some ill-hired people on your hands who enjoy gossip and or conflict much more than actually trying to do a good job.

Another however… some of you probably don’t just care and like your paycheck and keeping those under you in their place. Under you.

Happy Holidays to you and yours. And please, enjoy the fruits of laboring people like myself who bust their ass for you and the dumb-dumbs around them. Sure, we may not make the most noise or get up in your grill for a promotion… but we want to do what’s write… and complain on the internet.

For everyone else. I swear I love life. I’m not as angry and bitter as I try to portray. But that is a part of me. But not all of me.

-end-

Lately I’ve been feeling like the Grinch. Sure, I like the trees, the wreaths, presents, etc that go along with Christmas… but for some reason this year it feels a bit much. Maybe the mild temps are to blame? Maybe I have some unresolved something going on in my head? I don’t know. Just not “into it” as I have been in the past. Oy.

Then there’s this: Me and the Girl and getting along very well. But can I be honest with you? Sometimes I worry I may “fall out” of this one like I did the other(s). I don’t know. Almost like I put some magical goal and check mark that I need to meet in order to feel like we are “there”. Know what I mean?

Work stress… that’s it. A whole bunch of people have been canned and asked to “reapply”. Well, that sucks. I haven’t been affected. Actually, I’ve scored a few interviews because of it. However, it’s not a good look when some of your friends and colleagues have been shown the door… for reasons that you aren’t necessarily privy to.

But, who am I? Just another guy in the big machine… whatevs. I suppose I should expect this type of thing hanging out on the corporate ladder… who knows. I mean, maybe I need to come up with some great idea and “be my own boss”. I dunno. Well… I get the whole “leaving the comfort of X and forging my own path” type of thing, but like I’ve probably said before — I’m a very “plan” type of guy. So my “plan” always needs some sort of extreme certainty for it to really work. Maybe that’s chicken. Maybe that’s… me.

That’s all I can be, right?

I’ve skipped over what I initially intended to write here about my travelin’ month of November… but I’ll get to that another time.

-end-

Yet again I seem to be greeting you with the “it’s been a while, sorry about that”.

This is one of those things as an adult you can do, but choose not to do and make up some excuse about why you can’t carve out 15 minutes of your day to describe what’s been on your mind. Supposed to be therapeutic, right? So what gives?

I think many times I put too much pressure on myself to have ‘something to say’ rather than just typing like I originally planned this to be. I guess no matter how much I try and avoid it, my way of overthinking things just comes back with a vengeance. 

Such is life. or some other cliche that may or may not work.

So what have I been up to?

I’m tempted to go on and on about my frustrations about work and how it sometimes seems like corporate America is kinder to those who ‘play the game’ by brown nosing, kissing a–, and using anything they can other than their actual job skills to move forward.

And… it works!

Then the rest of us are stuck wondering why being good or very good at your job isn’t enough. Mind you, I’m a very affable person, well-liked by my colleagues… though I guess I don’t give the extra BS that will get me over the hump. 

By no means do I think that I’m just soooo much smarter than my immediate supervisors or those who hold higher rank than me… but it’s hard for me not to be bothered by those at a level where I want to be with no above average skills who simply get by because they have whatever past experience and/or upper management ally. 

Other than that, I love my job. I really do. There’s enough good people and great experience where I’m at and I feel fortunate every time I come in. But sometimes that negative energy gets the best of me. I’m working on that.

Outside of work. Oh boy.

‘The Girl’ or ‘Burpee’ as I’ve often tagged her… always unexpected. Yes, we have disagreements. But more often than not, our interactions are blissful and two people enjoying learning about another person and growing and all that mushy stuff. It’s quite amazing. We’ve traveled quite a bit, which I didn’t expect, but now I know what I’ve been missing all these years when I chose to spend my down time at home instead of out and exploring outside of my zip code. 

We’re actually headed to the beach, again, tomorrow. It’ll be awesome. 

There has been talk of moving in together. Something I’ve never done, and quite frankly, would never do unless this was it. Nahmean? 

Scary.

We’ve put together a fish tank together. 

We’ve started playing a sport together. Something she’s very good at… and while I’m pretty athletic, trying hard to master it. She’s been good about giving tips and feedback… however one thing I don’t like: her attitude when I don’t do something right — that in her mind is basic, but to me it’s completely new… I get that she played at a VERY high level, however, she has multiple years of this under her belt and I have less than a month of actual play experience. Chill shawty.

BUT, I can’t talk, because being a distance runner, I get frustrated with her at times when we run and she can’t really keep pace… but I don’t get mad or pissy… she does… weird. To her defense sometimes I leave her a bit instead of slowing my pace…BUT, I only do that to push her a bit more. ha. I’m silly. Whatevs. If my biggest complaint is our competitive nature causing minor friction, I’m ahead of the game.

-end-

It’s been a while.

I seem to say that often… oh well.

Back to the message.

This summer has been:

Hot.

Long.

Cool.

Fun.

Embarrassing.

Uneventful.

Too much.

Frustrating.

Eye-opening.

I never thought I’d reach the point of  ”I hate my job”… but I think I’m getting close.

40% of my vacation time has been denied. Now, I don’t know what most other employees in my department have in terms of approval/denial… but I can assure you from what I physically SEE there are plenty of people who always seem to be off. Mostly weekday people.  Which is somewhat understandable. I get it that people don’t want to work weekends… but that’s not my problem. If you’re in charge of schedules/vacations… you make that sh)%( work. Case closed. I can’t just flippantly say “nope, not gonna do that” to my boss and get away with it. But oddly enough some people seem to have that luxury. If you know the right people you get placed well and you can do whatever the hell you want.

OR… maybe it’s just my perception and said vacation person is working really hard and has a lot to deal with… blah blah blah. I mean… 30 days notice isn’t enough to get a freelancer? Hello?? Bad economy… plenty of people out there willing to work. Plenty of skilled people.

Whatever.

This job thing has started to creep into my personal happiness. It feels like more and more I’m complaining to Sparky about my troubles at work without any sort of plan.

New Plan? Actively seek work other places and get the hell on.

Yes, I know, it’s not always sunnier on the other side, but at the same time… a bad situation is a bad situation. Now maybe my cool demeanor lets people think they can put me through hell and I’ll still be around? Maybe there is some truth to that… but everyone has a breaking point.

I am reaching mine.

-end-

This has been on my mind for the past, oh, 4o hours or so.

I’ve made mistakes in life, like most people. Like most people I tend to overthink it all once it’s said and done. What if this, what if that. Should have, could have. Regret is what I think they call it.

Did I make a big one? In the face of uncertainty and uneasiness, did I succumb to the path of least resistance? Did I hastily hope on the train and head for a new destination without fully allowing myself to process what just happened?

Or am I on the right path and I simply need to stop looking backwards and live with what I’ve done?

This isn’t a story of greener grass, rather a chance to water the grass and use a new brand of fertilizer. Hoping that one day, the grass that’s already planted achieves a full, deep green coat and the neighbors consistently ask “how did you do that?”

We’ll see.  I don’t. I won’t keep letting this bother me.  Things change. A slight chance of showers sometimes becomes a few clouds that merely cool the temps down for a few hours. But then again, sometimes a tornado is spawned and you’ve got to start all over. I’ll make it out.

On a separate, but related note: I’ve come to the realization that sometimes I take things on in order to help people along. You know, help them realize something about themselves without expressly saying so. I don’t(yet) have all the answers, but what I do know about life I like sharing with others. The problem becomes, however, that I get too deeply involved and once I feel I’m ‘done’, I don’t know how to make a clean getaway.

It’s not always intentional, one of those ‘everyone has a purpose in life and is brought into yours for a reason’ type existential bullsh**.  Don’t know if I quite believe it, but sometimes it feels like it fits. Like a conservative suit worn to a keg party.  The problem becomes, however, that I’m not some Outer Limits being meant to bring happiness and fulfillment to random people on the earth. There was a show about that a few years back, the name is escaping me for a moment.

-pause, wikipedia time-

Quantum Leap

I’m not that guy. Why am I trying to convince myself that  I am?  Even before I connected the dots on there being a TV show touching this experience I almost convinced myself that I was that guy. Fear? Making an excuse to get the hell on without feeling guilty?

Whatever.

-end-

I will be cliche and add the internet overload of a holiday.

But I really do love my mother. She is awesome. She knows it.

In other news…

It’s funny how people change. For instance, co-workers who are great chameleons. Good at kissing major booty and twisting their personalities based on who they are around and working with at any certain time. I have witnessed a healthy dose of such … umm… “selling out”? Nah, more of a chameleon-likeness. Whatever it is. It’s fun to watch, yet kind of sad that people think they need to do that to impress people or get ahead in life.

Back to change.

I’ve got about 60 cents in my pocket.

There’s a guy that I’ve known for about 5, almost 6 years now. I always thought that he was one of the more “real” people I’d meet in life. Very boisterous and unafraid of just about anything. Above it all I admired how honest he was… or at least how honest he appeared to be.

Recently he’s changed. He’s been dating a girl for about 2 1/2 years. Initially he wasn’t into it, but now all of a sudden he’s all about her. She almost left the city for grad school… so maybe that has something to do with it. At any rate, his… umm… ‘playa’ ways never left him. Some of his dirt I never knew about til somebody, without provocation, started cluing me on… I’m guessing they figured I was blinded by what I thought he was… very honest, and straightforward.

Whatever. I didn’t put too much thought into that, I mean, nobody’s perfect. He’s still a perfectly nice guy, with a few flaws and whatnot.  But then his nonsense started to creep into our relationship. Not returning e-mails, texts, phone calls.. then a few days later I get the “oh, I never got your call/text/e-mail” or some other excuse why things didn’t work out.

THAT is when it all started to fall apart for me.  Unfortunately I’m one of those people who is fairly closed off and doesn’t keep a lot of “close” friends… so when you’re chosen as one of those people… you better step up. He’s not stepping up. In fact… at one point he completely blew me an another friend off for a good two and a half weeks. Of course when we confronted him, it was all “not my fault, I don’t know what you mean”… but… whatever. I let it go. It was clear there was no getting through to him.

Here’s the next straw… possibly the final one. A few months ago we planned to take a trip together. We get a few travel discounts through work, and since our schedules weren’t allowing us to meet up and hammer out the details, I went ahead and picked out the resort, travel dates, etc… e-mailed over ALL the important info, including a “I ALREADY BOOKED MY TRAVEL, HERE’S HOW YOU DO YOURS AND HOW YOU GET THE WORK DISCOUNT”.

Direct quote. About a week after that we were talking about it… and he’s all like “oh, I didn’t realize you meant go ahead and book it”.

What the F?

Even though he copied in his girlfriend on the e-mail with a “making sure xxxx sees this”.

#nicetrybro

So what now?

I’m not going to blow up and cuss him out. But I’m pulling back. I’m growing tired of putting in a lot of effort for something that has turned out to be… nothing.

It sucks. Just when you think you know someone, they take a turn and you’re left with nothing but your own brain wondering why something hasn’t worked out. Was it something I said? Did? Didn’t do? Is he just not that into you?

Either way, it’s no fun coming to the realization that someone you’ve invested time and effort and hours of whatever else you do as a friend… late night pickups, listening to you drone on and on about whatever thing is bothering you, etc.

I’m hurt, but also somewhat relieved that while one relationship is growing and blossoming… I am finally able to drop something else that has been weighing me down for quite some time.

I guess you live and learn, right?

-end-

She met the people that raised me. Parents.

Like I said before, I was a bit nervous to begin with. But then it sort of subsided after I wrote about it. Then the day came… and I start to get a little nervous.  Not so much for her making a good impression, but more… I don’t know. I was just nervous. Part of the reason was because we were running late… the other part was probably nervousness because she was nervous.

At this point I’ve known her long enough to know that everyone would get along fine.

So it was unfounded nervousness. But nervous feelings anyway.

It went well. Sure there were awkward pauses here and there with a bunch of grinning, but everyone warmed up quickly and while it wasn’t quite the “like they’ve known each other for years” experience… it was still smooth and everyone got along.

I liked it. A lot.

Like I’ve said countless times, this is not ‘normal’ and ‘planned’. Everything about her and about us just feels like it makes sense.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself. But at the same time I can’t discount feelings inside myself that I, at one point, thought would never really be there.

It’s not all mushy with pet names and constant hand holding… just more of a “you know what’s up” type deal.

We do. Know. What’s. Up.

We are.

-end-